The day I’m posting this piece marks eight years since my mother passed away. Eight years. It both feels infinitely longer and just yesterday. I still can’t believe her presence is not upon this spinning globe.

Since her last words to me were, “I just want to be with Jesus,” I trust she’s in His presence right now. And while the sting of her loss has ebbed, there’s still a hole in my day to day where she should be.

This week I’ve been transcribing a little play that she and her sister Nancy wrote sometime in the late forties. I deduce that because Nancy was in high school, but it doesn’t say Mom was. It was written in neat cursive in pencil and is faded quite a bit. Sometimes I have to train my phone’s flashlight on it to make out a word or two. Their play, a retelling of Cinderella, exudes with youthful hopefulness. You can tell they both had lovely dreams about what their future might become. And no clue of the hardships in store, especially for Nancy.

Feeling their aspirations and creativity up close has made me miss Mom a bit more this week. I can’t ask her what they did with the play, if anything, or why they decided to write it. I can imagine the two of them on the porch if nice weather or tucked in their room, if not, heads leaned together, pondering the page and who would do what next. One thing that intrigued me was their erasure of the Fairy Godmother as a character. Why did they initially think she should be included in their “modernized” version and then take her out before they finished the second page? I also found it interesting that they scratched out deletions instead of erasing them. If they had erased them, I never would have known that the Fairy Godmother had even been considered!

Because of this activity, because of the anniversary, because of the weather, because of pain, and more, grief has resurfaced. It does that. It’s never a one and done emotion. It comes back in cycles.

This world, because of the fall, has many griefs. Beyond losing someone or something we love (thinking pets on that second half), we can lose seasons or lament the lack of a keepsake that had value to us. We can grieve changing relationships, aging bodies, or failed dreams. Thankfully, we have a savior who understands all that.

He was despised and rejected by men,
    a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
    he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53:3, ESV)

Because Scripture mentions the joy Jesus experienced, I imagine he laughed. The Bible never says that directly though. It does explicitly tell us that he cried.

There’s something about having a friend who weeps with us. As long as Job’s friends sat and mourned with him, they were acting in a godly manner. It was when they began to try and imagine God’s reasons for allowing the suffering into Job’s life that they messed up. We’re nowhere close enough on the cosmic, mental, logical or any other scale to God to understand Him. We are creations, after all! Trying to analyze the mind of our Creator is foolishness.

But through his tears, through his shared grief at our predicament, we can get to know Him.

The next verse in Isaiah goes on to say:

Surely he has borne our griefs
    and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
    smitten by God, and afflicted.

When grief descends, looking to the cross reminds us that sorrow has an end date. Jesus’ immense love declared it is finished. And one day, we will live in His perfect world where tears will be no more.

Beginning next week, I will step away from the -ing posts for a while and do a series about my favorite story themes and why I write tales with those messages. And, of course, there will be some prizes!

Sometimes, life throws things at us good and bad faster than we can deal. The event or the situation may have completely finished, but the brain is stuck in the loading phase.

September, for me, has been like that.

I accepted a new position at work, I taught an online writers’ workshop for a group of people I’d never met, fulfilled some writing and church obligations, (one more to come this weekend…) and attended an online writers conference last weekend. Part of that conference was a writing contest, for which I was notified in July that I was a finalist. The top prize was publication of the entry.

Winning the top prize would’ve made the answer to the question, “What do I do with this quirky fairy tale novel that I wrote that I love?” much easier.

But then, I also have friends and family suffering various trials and pains that makes my heart shout “why” and cloud my vision of the present.

Add the topping of my own random pain. I’m going to physical therapy for it, but you go down the google and AI rabbit trail and some of the symptoms and treatments and it looks like it might never go away unless I invest in some costly treatments.

A man's steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way? (Proverbs 20:24, ESV)  

For when dreams increase and words grow many, there is vanity; but God is the one you must fear. (Ecc. 5:7, ESV)

Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. (Proverbs 4:26)

One of the problems of being human is our linear nature. I can only perceive the moment I breathe in. But sometimes, that moment doesn’t seem to make sense. I’m trying to be obedient to God and walk in His ways. But my omniscient quota is zero. I have no idea what lies ahead and if the steps I’ve taken lead to good or evil. Because even someone who tries to do everything right (I wish I was better at that), can wander into evil because of the fallen world.

When the future ahead looks foggy, and the past confuses me, what do I do?

Oswald Chambers said, “Trust God, and do the next thing.”

Sometimes the next thing is obvious. Other times, it could be any number of options that all seem good and godly. Still, other times, there’s no direction you can sense for the next movement. Maybe it’s because you need to rest in God for a bit. Or maybe, like me, you’re processing the abundance of life.

Perhaps processing means resting in God. But I feel awfully busy and tired for someone who’s resting! And my brain keeps spinning trying to make sense of it all. I can almost see the word “Loading” on my forehead.

Part of my issue, and I know it, is I try to seize the future before it’s here and plan how I will handle this or that. To an extent, that’s good. It keeps me motivated and thinking. But it also fills my brain with extra clutter.

Maybe my very cluttered mind is part of why I’m obsessed about getting rid of things in the house. Perhaps if the home was simpler, my thoughts would be as well. But in the meantime, that’s another tangent that delays mental processing.

 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. (James 3:2, ESV) 

Regarding that contest I mentioned earlier, I both won and didn’t. I won best fantasy, but didn’t win the publishing contract. Another ‘where do I go from here’ question.

As of now, October has less on its schedule. Perhaps, I can use some of that downtime to let my mind catch up.

But until then, I will, as Mr. Chambers recommended, just keep doing the next good thing.

I opened my email and sighed. The vet had sent a third request for a review regarding a routine appointment for our cat. It was exactly that… routine. Rating it as amazing or life changing just felt wrong.

Honestly, as an author, I have mixed feelings about reviews. It seems our world has gotten review-obsessed. I couldn’t even complete my transaction at the post office yesterday without choosing a rating for the service I was provided. Servers will tell us that their promotions or even the number of hours they are offered are based on the reviews left at the table kiosk. But, to be frank, to get more people to read my books I need more people who have read my books to review them because the algorithms depend on those ratings.

And I know for a fact that several who have read some of my books have not reviewed them. I know this because I have received cards, emails, or texts instead of the online review. And much of that kind of feedback relates to the frustration I felt from the vet’s request. It’s hard to be honest the way the review requests are structured. It’s often easier on your mind and sense of honesty avoid the review and offer a personal reaction instead.

It’s not that I blame anyone for choosing not to. The need for us to review each and every service offered is exhausting, and frankly, not realistic. It’s awful that we can’t say something was acceptable. We have to say everything was stellar, ideal, or perfect or we actually can endanger people’s jobs.

The Bible has a fair amount to say about reviewing, particularly reviewing our walk with the Lord.  “Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you? —unless indeed you are disqualified.” (2 Cor. 13:5, NKJV) Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; Try my mind and my heart. (Ps 26:2, NKJV) The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests the hearts. (Prov. 17:3, NKJV) Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. (2 Tim 2:15, NIV)

In other words, we should be assessing, on a daily basis where our hearts are. Are we truly following our Lord? Are we on the right path or have we meandered to the side looking at the daisies of life?

When we review or evaluate biblically, the goal is to be honest, not to sugarcoat our walk with generalities or comparisons. The only one we’re allowed to compare ourselves to is the Lord which guarantees that we can’t be stellar, ideal, or perfect on our own. Rather, the review is about the relationship, the effort to listen to His Word, and see if we’re better, even an iota better, today than we were yesterday. Are we growing? Or are we sliding into routine and misplaced contentment?

If the world’s obsession with reviews was similar, I think I could get behind it. Instead, it feels more like a grade school trophy for achievement—where everyone gets it so no one has truly earned anything.

Rather, when we see the traits displayed from Philippians 4:8*, one of my favorite verses, I think then the review is warranted. When the service we receive is excellent, when a behavior is unexpected (in a good way), or a product does it exactly what it claims to do, we should let people know that there still is goodness in this world.

*Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.